What prompts this post is an experience I want to share that is hopefully not just self indulgent whining. I really hope that some part of this experience brings comfort or an uplifting thought to someone else who might be struggling.
First, the background info:
First, the background info:
The entire month of January, but more specifically the last 18 days, I've struggled with chronic pelvic and back pain, a semi constant need to urinate which is not satisfied by emptying my bladder, many sleep staggered and occasionally sleepless nights, and one failed course of antibiotics. The good news is that I don't have a urinary tract or kidney infection. The bad news is that I most likely have what's called interstitial cystitis, which is chronic bladder inflammation accompanied by the same symptoms of a UTI. I've always had mild symptoms but it's likely that the full-bodied IC symptoms were brought on by hormonal shifts due to pregnancy. It's possible that the symptoms will disappear after pregnancy, but from what I have read, it does not seem likely. Don't get me wrong, I am actively praying that it will go away and if it's the Lord's will, I know it absolutely CAN happen.
The good news is that while there is no cure, there are many forms of managing the symptoms including physical therapy, diet (the only option available to me at the moment), surgery, and medication. The bad news? It often takes years to determine which methods will help.
I'm currently doing the diet method (which in short is to remove anything that could potentially irritate the bladder - anything with acid so most fruits, salad dressing, tomato sauces, etc, gluten, dairy, soy, etc) and it's pretty tough. I'm not used to being on such a short leash, food wise, and it's definitely an adjustment. Worse still is that I haven't seen a dramatic improvement yet and it's hard for me to feel patient. It's also somewhat frustrating because even when irritants have been removed it can still take weeks or even months for inflammation to go down.
So anyway, I've been trying to bear it up with courage because really, it's not as though I were dying or anything. It's only been a month! I mean, I am extremely grateful to not be on bed rest, throwing up anymore, or have anything that would put the baby in danger. The baby's health is the most important thing to me and I feel assured that he/she is doing just fine. Couldn't ask for anything more. Still...this is incredibly difficult for me. I wonder if it's because I've had such an easy life (relative to most) that whenever something trivially tough like this happens, I seem to fall apart. I have always struggled with OCD and depression and frankly, this has not made that business any easier. The not sleeping thing doesn't help either, although I feel grateful that it is preparing me for many sleepless nights as a new mom. I guess the worst part isn't even the symptoms themselves but the feeling of depression that comes at 3 am when I have been to the bathroom for the umpteenth time (and have to go again mere seconds after I finish) since going to bed and I'm wondering...will this ever go away? What if it doesn't get better? What if I have to do this AND deal with all the stresses of being a new mom at the same time? How am I going to be able to go to the bathroom sixty times a day with an infant when I'm stressed out enough by the prospect of keeping an infant ALIVE? What if in the few moments that the baby allows me to sleep, I am unable to because of the pain/inflammation? What if this makes me resent my baby and I turn into a total psychopath? I have heard horror stories on these IC message boards (a support group of sorts for women with Interstitial Cystitis) about vaginal birth bladder trauma that would make anyone cringe. For almost everyone on these message boards, they have struggled with this for years and only after about a thousand different try-and-fail methods did they find anything that makes it easier to cope with. Many are addicted to pain medications, have struggled with debilitating depression, insomnia, and even suicidal thoughts because of the overall decrease in their quality of life.
So at 3 am, over two hours ago, I sat breaking down and sobbing in my bathroom...again. I decided that I just can't do this...again. I'll just have to give my baby up for adoption so that someone more capable, sane, healthy, and wise than me can care for this precious life inside of me. I think, how can I take care of an infant when I can't even take care of myself? Who needs a mom who falls apart every time there's a problem that takes more than a few days to resolve? Who needs a broken mommy? I said I silent prayer more or less saying, "I'm sorry, but you have to do know that I can't do this. I can't handle this. I need to sleep. It's been almost a month of this stuff. I need to turn my brain off. And I need to PEE! Please help me...why won't you help me? I just need it so badly." This of course is followed by guilt because I have had several nights this last month where thanks to prayers (mine and others) and the love of a merciful father in heaven, I was able to sleep, sometimes almost entirely through the night, without pain or discomfort. In fact, JUST LAST NIGHT, this happened and I was so incredibly grateful for that gift. I know that He heard and answered my prayer and look how ungrateful I am the very next night! I am a real pill sometimes.
Anyway, as I was sitting there feeling awfully sorry for myself, I heard the words of Job in my mind. "Though he slay me, yet will I trust in Him.." I immediately burst into tears again, but this time it was different. I knew that even if the "very jaws of hell" should open up after me, that it would be for my good, just as it was for Joseph Smith in Liberty Jail and just as it was ultimately for Job. I don't compare myself to these men, obviously, because they had real problems, but since my silly problems are real to me, the principle still applies. I also remember a scripture that came to me in a moment of similar anguish on my mission, another time when I felt (fairly consistently too) that I just could not do what was required of me. "Whom have I in heaven but thee?... My flesh and my hearth faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion forever." Isn't that heartbreaking? My flesh and heart (my body and my will) don't just weaken, they FAIL me, completely fail me entirely sometimes. I am just that weak. I am just that small. I am NOTHING without the power and grace of my Father, NOTHING without the miracle of His Son's atoning sacrifice, and NOTHING without the influence of the Holy Spirit. And if I try to mother this child without those things, then yes, I will fail. I will fail miserably, but if God is the strength of my heart, if I grant him that space, I believe I can do this. As Paul said, "If God be for us, who can be against us?" So really, I just need to focus more on me serving Him, and a little less the other way round. It's tough. I'm naturally selfish and I naturally want things my way on my schedule, but His way is better and I trust Him. "Though he slay me, yet will I trust in Him."
I apologize for my weakness in writing. I know this is full of grammatical and spelling errors and if I felt more awake I would take greater care, but as it stands, I am not. I'm going to go and try once again to sleep. If you have offered prayers on my behalf, and I know many of you have, bless you! Thank you, thank you, thank you! I know it helps.
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