Maybe Not The Best Idea Anyone Ever Had

How is it possible that it's illegal to smoke inside an apartment, but if you have a "cannabis card" it's illegal to smoke it anywhere except your apartment/residence and you are NOT required to shut your windows? If its purposes are "medicinal" why are people allowed to smoke it at all? I don't care if they put it in a tea, a brownie, or their flipping paella.  I do care about smoke being blown into my apartment that smells like a skunk ate an anchovy pizza. Smoke is hazardous to everyone's health.  Didn't they think that maybe the people living in the neighboring apartments might be affected by both the smell and smoke, to say nothing of that fact that maybe a pregnant person doesn't want their unborn child getting baked on a daily basis because of crappy windows and ventilation? WHY are people allowed to smoke ANYTHING in closed quarters?  If the argument is that it doesn't bother anyone else, I'm here to say that that is absolute garbage.

It bothers me. It bothers me that a police officer encouraged me to cozy up to said neighbor because in this situation, he has all of the power and I have none.  It bothers me that he says the majority of their calls come from pregnant women or people with respiratory issues that are facing the EXACT same problem and are powerless to protect themselves or their family's health because heaven forbid we should interfere with someone's unalienable right to get wrecked.  It bothered me when he informed me that getting a "cannabis card" is just about the easiest thing you can do and that you don't even have to have any kind of physical ailment to obtain one.  It bothers me that said cop has no way of verifying for me if my neighbor actually does have a cannabis card.  So basically, we just have to take everyone at their word?  It bothers me that when I approached my neighbor and politely asked him to find another way to ingest his business (he was, of course, high at the time) laughed in my face, limply suggested that marijuana smoke never hurt anyone,  that people like ME were responsible for how terrible his life is or something to that effect, and walked away.  It bothers me that when I stepped into my car today, the smell of pot was so strong that I had to get out of the car to avoid gagging.  It bothers me that my landlady, after walking over to our place, said that she could smell it so strongly that she herself smelled like pot the rest of the day...just be BEING in our general vicinity.  Wouldn't it be great if when I show up to the hospital in a few days to deliver my baby, they too can smell it on MY clothes?

I have no problem with people who have chronic pain choosing to medicate with marijuana, but there is absolutely no reason why anyone needs to be smoking it.  No reason. Anyone who says otherwise is either lying or a fool.

We should have an answer from our apartment owner by Thursday as to whether or not they can legally evict these tenants (something that thankfully they would like to do if they can without facing a law suit for HIPPA violations) and if not, they are willing to let us out of our lease.  If we end up needing to move, we will have no promise or assurance that the same thing will not happen again because according to the cop I spoke to today, the police and landlords have no right to ask people to stop taking their "medicine" or to restrict the ways and means by which they ingest their "medicine"

So, to whoever created this lovely law that disenfranchises four people for every one it "serves" I say, thanks.  Thanks a lot.  I'm having a baby in two days and you've made my life a lot easier.

Anthony's Song

Moving is hard. For me it goes beyond the surface annoyances of packing and cleaning, although these are no picnic.

So much worse is the uncertainty of the future and my singular antipathy for change in all its forms. If you've ever seen the 90's version of Father of the Bride you'll remember that George Banks is a tightly wound control freak, terrified of change. If he were a heavily pregnant millennial, we'd basically be the same person. I'm thinking in particular of a scene that highlights a meltdown over hot dog buns in a grocery store. Although the police have never intervened, I have had many similar (and often food-related) episodes in moments of stress brought on by significant life changes. In my mind I will even refer to these events as "hot dog changes" because of the brief psychotic break they typically accompany. Such milestones include marriages, funerals, first days of anything, final days of anything, missions, jobs, and of course, moving.

The reasons why this move in particular is causing a few more meltdowns than usual are the additional hot dog changes that accompany this move:

1. New Job. Nathan is starting his first post-grad job and it's not clear how many hours he'll be working. All we know is that it will be anywhere between 50-80 (and rarely up to a 100) hours a week and that his commute will be about an hour. Not having a clear idea of our schedule is sort of wigging me out. Like all people with severe OCD, stability, consistency, and routine are my best friends. Not having access to a very clear and concrete schedule is a surefire trigger for meltdowns.

2. New Baby. We'll be welcoming our first child about two months after the move. One can prepare to an extent with things like books, but it just all seems so futile. No amount of information could possibly prepare you for such a meteoric life change. The most significant piece of advice I've received is to expect the unexpected, which just terrifies me. I feel confident that God is watching out for us, but my natural man cannot help but feel apprehension about this enormous new responsibility.

3. No Grandparents. I am such an enormous homebody and I guess I always envisioned having my parents and in-laws about me when I had children. Coming to grips with reality on this point has been a pickle. I suppose it's because I have been so spoiled all of my life. I always grew up around my grandparents, first my mother's parents, and then my father's. I can't even imagine what a life without consistent grandparent interaction would look like. My parents and in-laws are so precious to me and I want each of them to spend as much time as possible with my children. How could a parent not want that? I know it's a crazy pipe dream, but it's my crazy pipe dream and I selfishly covet it all the live long day.

Alright, so by now all of you are like...who is this chick and why is she still complaining about her nearly perfect life? Well, now that I've described the reasons why moving is hard I will explain why this move in particular is intensely AWESOME.

1. We're having a baby. A precious son of God has been entrusted in our care. Sure I will probably be the world's most mediocre mom and I will probably fail more than I succeed. Bring it on. We have done our best to act under inspiration and follow our faith. The Lord will provide.

2. This is a family affair. Even if he works 100 hours a week, I am not doing this alone. I have the greatest partner around. Nathan is patient, hard working, and so very loving. I couldn't imagine a better father for my son. He is the love of my life and we are in this together. It feels good to be part of such a winning team.

3. Change is necessary for progression. The Lord doesn't want us to be stagnant; we must forge ahead. College, mission, and marriage all brought about similar freak out reactions and it was tough, but obviously I'm so glad I didn't punk out. I would've missed so much. The Lord was with me through all of these upheavals and why would I expect anything different now? "In every change he faithful will remain."

So there you have it. Nothing to do now but turn and face the strange.

California Trip

(Just realized I never posted this)

Since several friends have asked us how the trip went:

So Nathan and I have been very fortunate to find an apartment in Alameda and hopefully an ob there as well.  Both seem like good fits. We know the Lord has helped us find these places and we are grateful for His help.  Many prayers have been answered.

While in the area we have been staying with my wonderful cousins in redwood city and their lovely grandparents who were kind enough to take us in for an entire week during our apartment search.   They really helped us out and we are so grateful to them.  They have treated us like family and we feel very loved.

We have also had the opportunity to visit friends in both  Palo Alto and Mountain View this week. They are beautiful areas and we are impressed by the gorgeous weather we encounter here.  Nathan's work is providing us with a per diem for our food so we have been eating out every day and the produce is incredible.  Normally when I purchase salads I feel as though I were punishing myself.  Not so, no so, in California.  

We were able to attend our new ward in Alameda (a small island in the east bay area) and our bishop and auxiliary leaders were very helpful and kind.  We have been richly blessed by these new associations already. 

I was nervous about this trip and although the first few days were stressful I feel like everything is coming together very well.  We really could not have asked for a better trip. I would not have chosen to live in this area.  Many of you know that I am suspicious of big cities, nice weather year round, and costly living, but Alameda has such a small town feel to it that sets me very much at ease.  Our landlady says that in the forty two years she has been in our complex, they have never had a break in. 

South Dakota will always be my home and I will always love it best, but for the time being this will be a wonderful opportunity.  We are blessed by God in all things.  He is the potter.  We are the clay and we are the work of His hands. 

Dead Poets Society

Every time Nathan or I mention this movie we both scream in unison, "Neil!!!!!"  Then we make fake vomit noises.  For those of you who haven't seen the movie, I really can't explain this because of spoilers.

Just a Few Thoughts on LDS General Conference

Most of you know I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (aka the Mormon church). Every six months the leaders of our church convene and through a televised/radio/internet conference address the members. It is my belief that they receive revelation from God, that He designs these messages, catering to our individual and collective needs. Topics of this conference included courage in discipleship, staying true to the faith of our ancestors, avoiding the evils of pornography in our homes, greater dedication to family history work (more on this another time), and the proper (and improper) management of time spent on the internet. I felt uplifted by these messages and grateful to be a part of such an incredible community of faithful Christians. "Dios nos da poder; luchemos en la causa celestial." (God gives our strength; we strive for a heavenly cause!) Imperfect as we are, it is in our daily striving, our sincere efforts to do what is right and good, that we show our love and devotion to the Savior of the world. I look forward to Easter this weekend. One of the speakers at the conference mentioned that Christ had the power to resurrect Lazarus after four days in the tomb. It occurred to me that I have been spiritually injured (usually through my own sin and apathy) for much longer periods during my life and Christ has always revived me. He has complete power to renew the body and spirit, if we do our part and come unto Him. It is not easy, but it is worth it.  Everything I have that matters to me, I have because of Him.  The conference inspired me to do better, to be a better disciple of Christ.  I know that these messages come from God and that if carefully applied, they can and will change the world.  (For any who might be interested, here is a link to the conference.  You can watch, read, or listen to the individual addresses or view it in one sitting.)   2014 April General Conference

Updates/Observations from February and March

Events from February
My grandma, Norma Jeanne Whitney, passed away. Flew out for the funeral and honestly I don't think it could've gone better.  She was an elect lady and a "prairie woman."  I know I will see her again.  I was happy to spend a few days with my grandpa Clayton as well.  He is such a wonderful person and I feel so glad to know him.  What incredible heritage is mine because of the the people in my life!

It's a boy!  My jaw dropped.  I couldn't believe that my little Julia (the name for my first daughter whenever she arrives) turned out to be a dude and you know what?  I'm thrilled.  Not sure about names yet.  I'm thinking Jim, Leo, or Spencer.  Jim is currently in the lead.  Appropriate nicknames would be:  Jimothy, JimmyDeanSausage, James and the Giant Poop (for full diapers), and Jimbo.  I would prefer to avoid calling him just "James" or "Jimmy."  I don't know why I like the name Jim so much.  Probably because of Jim Croce. "You don't tug on superman's cape.  You don't spit in the wind.  You don't pull the make of the ole lone ranger and you don't mess around with Jim."  He kicks a lot and apparently has a huge head.  Cool.  Coolcoolcool.  

We bought our tickets for our San Francisco apartment hunting trip.  I admit my feelings about this move have been mixed.  I had hoped to end up somewhere closer to family and not the most expensive place to live in the country.  On the other hand, it's California and California is a beautiful place.  If you've never heard Joni Mitchell's "California," you should check that out right this second.

For those of you who don't know, I am not currently working.  I signed up with a temp agency and it has been a long time since I've had a temp job.  I can't say that I hate not working.  I actually enjoy not working, but the boredom at home is starting to get to me. There's only so many ways to clean the apartment.  I've tried to force myself to like cooking and get experimental, but it's just not happening.  I will never see cooking as anything more than a chore.  Quite sad, for I dearly love to eat.  I spend a large portion of the day on the interwebs goofing off and watching the Andy Griffith show.  (Thanks Grandpa)  It's a delightful program if you can stomach your Fife.  I've just trained myself to not see him whenever he's on screen.

My interstitial cystitis flare has gotten way better. Miracle! Thank you all for your prayers. I still feel some pain and frequent urination, but it's really only bad at night and first thing in the morning, which is still frustrating but it's not nearly as bad as it used to be.  I usually only get up about 3 or 4 times a night, sometimes more. I've actually been really bad about the diet and have been doing crazy things like drinking orange juice and eating ketchup. It does make a difference in the symptoms, but after a few hours things pretty much return to "normal." I feel greatly blessed by the Lord to be "out of the woods" as far as the very worst symptoms go. He has definitely answered my prayers.  I'm also grateful to be eating all sorts of food. Eating is my favorite thing. I've been keeping Hobbit meals (breakfast, second breakfast, elevensies, and so on)

Nathan's school schedule is kind of the pits. I am so isolated during the day that when he comes home I want to socialize and he is often needing to keep studying. I am grateful he works so hard for our family but I miss the time we so enjoy spending goofing off and having fun. Things will still be fun with baby, but different, and I want to take advantage of all this "just us" time.  I'm grateful that after graduation (which is in a month!) we'll have a month before the new job starts. It will be our "babymoon" I suppose.  

Pregnancy is bizarre.  It's so weird that just a few months ago food made me physically ill several times a day.  I threw up my Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners. Now it's a habit I can't break. I want all the foods!  Feed me!  Me want food!  Seriously, it's the first thing I think about when I wake up and often the last thing I think of before I go to bed. I would say that I'm trying to be careful about weight gain, but it's just really not true.  While I am not a "skinny preggers" I haven't gained more than I am supposed to so I see this as a special gift.  The gestational diabetes screening is coming up so hopefully that's all well and good.

Well, I think that sums it up for updates.  God is good.

When other helpers fail and comforts flee

What prompts this post is an experience I want to share that is hopefully not just self indulgent whining.  I really hope that some part of this experience brings comfort or an uplifting thought to someone else who might be struggling.

First, the background info: 

The entire month of January, but more specifically the last 18 days, I've struggled with chronic pelvic and back pain, a semi constant need to urinate which is not satisfied by emptying my bladder,  many sleep staggered and occasionally sleepless nights, and one failed course of antibiotics.  The good news is that I don't have a urinary tract or kidney infection.  The bad news is that I most likely have what's called interstitial cystitis, which is chronic bladder inflammation accompanied by the same symptoms of a UTI.  I've always had mild symptoms but it's likely that the full-bodied IC symptoms were brought on by hormonal shifts due to pregnancy.  It's possible that the symptoms will disappear after pregnancy, but from what I have read, it does not seem likely.  Don't get me wrong, I am actively praying that it will go away and if it's the Lord's will, I know it absolutely CAN happen.

The good news is that while there is no cure, there are many forms of managing the symptoms including physical therapy, diet (the only option available to me at the moment), surgery, and medication.  The bad news?  It often takes years to determine which methods will help. 

I'm currently doing the diet method (which in short is to remove anything that could potentially irritate the bladder - anything with acid so most fruits, salad dressing, tomato sauces, etc, gluten, dairy, soy, etc) and it's pretty tough.  I'm not used to being on such a short leash, food wise, and it's definitely an adjustment.  Worse still is that I haven't seen a dramatic improvement yet and it's hard for me to feel patient.  It's also somewhat frustrating because even when irritants have been removed it can still take weeks or even months for inflammation to go down.  

So anyway, I've been trying to bear it up with courage because really, it's not as though I were dying or anything.  It's only been a month!   I mean, I am extremely grateful to not be on bed rest, throwing up anymore, or have anything that would put the baby in danger.  The baby's health is the most important thing to me and I feel assured that he/she is doing just fine.  Couldn't ask for anything more.  Still...this is incredibly difficult for me.   I wonder if it's because I've had such an easy life (relative to most) that whenever something trivially tough like this happens, I seem to fall apart.  I have always struggled with OCD and depression and frankly, this has not made that business any easier.  The not sleeping thing doesn't help either, although I feel grateful that it is preparing me for many sleepless nights as a new mom.  I guess the worst part isn't even the symptoms themselves but the feeling of depression that comes at 3 am when I have been to the bathroom for the umpteenth time (and have to go again mere seconds after I finish) since going to bed and I'm wondering...will this ever go away?  What if it doesn't get better?  What if I have to do this AND deal with all the stresses of being a new mom at the same time?  How am I going to be able to go to the bathroom sixty times a day with an infant when I'm stressed out enough by the prospect of keeping an infant ALIVE?  What if in the few moments that the baby allows me to sleep, I am unable to because of the pain/inflammation?  What if this makes me resent my baby and I turn into a total psychopath?   I have heard horror stories on these IC message boards (a support group of sorts for women with Interstitial Cystitis) about vaginal birth bladder trauma that would make anyone cringe.  For almost everyone on these message boards, they have struggled with this for years and only after about a thousand different try-and-fail methods did they find anything that makes it easier to cope with.  Many are addicted to pain medications, have struggled with debilitating depression, insomnia, and even suicidal thoughts because of the overall decrease in their quality of life.  

So at 3 am, over two hours ago, I sat breaking down and sobbing in my bathroom...again. I decided that I just can't do this...again. I'll just have to give my baby up for adoption so that someone more capable, sane, healthy, and wise than me can care for this precious life inside of me.  I think, how can I take care of an infant when I can't even take care of myself?  Who needs a mom who falls apart every time there's a problem that takes more than a few days to resolve?  Who needs a broken mommy?   I said I silent prayer more or less saying, "I'm sorry, but you have to do know that I can't do this.  I can't handle this.  I need to sleep.  It's been almost a month of this stuff.  I need to turn my brain off. And I need to PEE!  Please help me...why won't you help me?  I just need it so badly."  This of course is followed by guilt because I have had several nights this last month where thanks to prayers (mine and others) and the love of a merciful father in heaven,  I was able to sleep, sometimes almost entirely through the night, without pain or discomfort.  In fact, JUST LAST NIGHT, this happened and I was so incredibly grateful for that gift.  I know that He heard and answered my prayer and look how ungrateful I am the very next night! I am a real pill sometimes.  

Anyway, as I was sitting there feeling awfully sorry for myself, I heard the words of Job in my mind.  "Though he slay me, yet will I trust in Him.."  I immediately burst into tears again, but this time it was different.  I knew that even if the "very jaws of hell" should open up after me, that it would be for my good, just as it was for Joseph Smith in Liberty Jail and just as it was ultimately for Job.  I don't compare myself to these men, obviously, because they had real problems, but since my silly problems are real to me, the principle still applies.  I also remember a scripture that came to me in a moment of similar anguish on my mission, another time when I felt (fairly consistently too) that I just could not do what was required of me.  "Whom have I in heaven but thee?... My flesh and my hearth faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion forever."  Isn't that heartbreaking?  My flesh and heart (my body and my will)  don't just weaken, they FAIL me, completely fail me entirely sometimes.  I am just that weak. I am just that small.   I am NOTHING without the power and grace of my Father, NOTHING without the miracle of His Son's atoning sacrifice, and NOTHING without the influence of the Holy Spirit.  And if I try to mother this child without those things, then yes, I will fail.  I will fail miserably, but if God is the strength of my heart, if I grant him that space, I believe I can do this.  As Paul said, "If God be for us, who can be against us?"  So really, I just need to focus more on me serving Him, and a little less the other way round.  It's tough. I'm naturally selfish and I naturally want things my way on my schedule, but His way is better and I trust Him.  "Though he slay me, yet will I trust in Him."  

I apologize for my weakness in writing. I know this is full of grammatical and spelling errors and if I felt more awake I would take greater care, but as it stands, I am not.  I'm going to go and try once again to sleep.  If you have offered prayers on my behalf, and I know many of you have, bless you!  Thank you, thank you, thank you!  I know it helps.